


Coping Mechanisms

by badwolfofbakerstreet



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel is alive, Destiel - Freeform, Drinking, F/M, HE WILL LIVE, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Character Death, NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT, POV Sam Winchester, Post-Episode: s12e23 All Along the Watchtower, Sam is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 17:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11063934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badwolfofbakerstreet/pseuds/badwolfofbakerstreet
Summary: Sam is glad that Dean got Castiel back, he is. But it doesn't heal the part of him that misses the person he lost.





	Coping Mechanisms

**Author's Note:**

> Posted on my Tumblr, but I also felt that it needed to be here! Cause reasons. Enjoy the angst.

Cas had been brought back, Sam never had any doubt in his mind that this would happen. The angel had died before, he always returned. He’d been returned human, but he’d been a human before, and this time Dean wasn’t going to kick him out of the bunker. If anything, Dean was going to keep him in the bunker as long as he possibly could, for his safety. Sam smiled at his brother as he helped Cas out of the Impala and into the bunker. He looked at Jack sitting in the back seat, his eyes wide, worried, confused. He didn’t have a mother, a father. The angel who had been looking after him was suddenly human; and the two guys who had wanted to take away his grace were now protecting him. 

It was going to be a long year. He could feel it in his bones. They were going to have to raise this child, who was already a man, and they were going to have to do it the Winchester way. If they could instill in him their values, then maybe, just maybe, Jack could be good. Sam shivered when their eyes met. There was some part of him that reminded the younger Winchester of Lucifer. 

He supposed it was the eyes. 

Sam walked to Jack’s door and opened it, leaning down, he adopted a calm and pleasant face, hoping it was soothing. 

“Hey, uh, Buddy,” The word sounded foreign on his tongue, he wondered why Dean used it for Cas so often, “Come on in, we can set you up with a room. You should get some rest.” 

Jack nodded and got out of the car, his hand was clasped around a flash drive that he’d clearly found in his room. Sam didn’t want to pry, so they walked in silence through the bunker. There were many things that seemed to catch the newborn’s attention, most of them were shiny, and Sam had to suppress his laugh. He was sort of like Dean. 

They stopped at Mary’s room, and Sam felt bad, but it was the only other made up room in the bunker. He couldn’t put Jack in a room without blankets or a sense of warmth. It would only serve to push the Nephilim toward a path of darkness. No, he needed the feeling of home, and right, and acceptance. Mary had done a good job of making her room feel just like that. 

“Watch?” He asked, suddenly holding out the flash drive. Sam nodded. 

“One second, I’ll go get my computer for you, just have a seat.” He led Jack to the bed and gave him a robe. The clothes they’d given him hadn’t fit properly, and he seemed to enjoy the soft fabric of the robe. He held it to his face, rubbing his cheek along it. Sam quickly left the room and grabbed his laptop out of his own, he passed by Castiel’s room to find it empty. 

They must have gone to Dean’s. Sam smiled slightly at the realization, but brushed it off, heading back to where Jack was staring at the flash drive, and it looked like he was crying. His eyes flashed yellow when Sam reentered and Sam held his hands up in surrender, the laptop was housed in one and Jack seemed to relax. 

“Just gonna set this here,” He said, walking to the bed, he opened the computer, scoffing at the porn, he quickly closed it and muttered a sorry and forgive his brother. Jack didn’t reply and Sam pointed to the USB slot, “Just put it in here.” 

Jack slid the drive in and a video popped up, it was Kelly, she was smiling. 

“Mom.” Jack said, a small smile on his face. Sam sighed and backed out of the room, Jack nodded at him in thanks and Sam shut the door behind him. He leaned against it for a moment. Reviewing the events of the day. 

Kelly was dead, Crowley was dead, Cas had died and come back. His mother was stuck in an alternate apocalypse universe with Lucifer. So many people had died over the past few weeks. Mick was dead, and they hadn’t had a clue. He died because they’d changed his ideologies. It was a sobering thought, how many people had died because of their connection to the Winchesters? 

Sam walked along the corridors to Dean’s room and found his brother sitting at his own bedside, staring at a sleeping Cas like he might disappear any moment. He knocked softly and Dean looked up, Sam beckoned him. Dean nodded and looked back to Cas, though it seemed like a personal moment, Sam couldn’t look away as Dean ran a hand through Castiel’s hair and then brushed his fingers down the sleeping man’s cheek. Dean smiled and sighed, scrubbing away a tear that betrayed him; he stood and glared at Sam before walking straight past his younger brother and out into the situation room. He had somehow managed to quickly grab a bottle of whisky along the way and was taking a swig straight from the bottle when Sam joined him. 

Sam sighed at his brother. Though he had Cas back, he still had to watch him die. Sam could still see the white flash of light when he closed his eyes. It made him flinch, it made his heart rate increase, and his stomach twist in an awful sort of way. He could only imagine how it made Dean feel. 

“We lost him.” Dean’s voice was broken, only slightly, only as much as he would let it be. But broken as it was, it was also filled with some sense of hope, “He was gone, Sam. Cold, lifeless, his wings were burned into the ground at my feet. And there was nothing I could do.” 

“Dean-” 

“I know, I know we have him back. But Sam, he still, right there-” Sam reached out and squeezed his brothers shoulder. Dean covered his hand and seemed to appreciate the touch, the sentiment. 

“Did you tell him?” Sam wasted no time getting to the point. He wasn’t going to sugar coat it anymore, and if he had any say in the matter, he wasn’t going to let his brother hide it anymore. 

“Tell him what?” The hand was gone, the brokenness was gone. His voice was back to its stoic, closed off normality, and Sam wasn’t having any of it 

“Cut the shit, Dean,” Sam said, dropping into the seat across from his brother, trying to get him to look him in the eyes, “Look, not to bring down the mood, but I have a pretty good idea what it feels like to lose someone you care about before you get to tell them that you care about them. The only difference is, you’re getting a second chance to do it.” 

Dean’s eyes went wide as he looked at his brother. It was obvious that Eileen hadn’t been on his mind, it was obvious that he hadn’t even considered the fact that Sam had a connection with her, had feelings that he’d never been able to act on. The timing had been off, she hadn’t been around, he didn’t want to push it. He wasn’t sure if she’d felt the same. 

“Dammit, Sammy. I’m sorry, Eileen, I didn’t even-” 

“No, you didn’t. But you were sort of busy losing the man you love, so I get that. But seriously, take it from me. I’d give anything to have Eileen walk through that door right now. And you know what I would do? What’s the first thing I would do if she did?” 

Dean shrugged and took another swig. 

“I’d walk straight up to her and take her face in my hands, I’d look her in the eyes, and I’d tell her that I think she’s incredible, one of a kind. And then I’d kiss her, I’d ask her to stay, and then I would never let her go.” 

“You sappy son of a bitch.” Dean huffed a small laugh around the mouth of the bottle and took a longer drink than normal. 

“You might be saying that, but you’re thinking about it now. And if you want my advice, if I were you, I’d go into that room, wake Cas up, and tell him that I love him.”

“What if it’s not what he wants?” Dean sighed as he set the bottle down, his fingers played with the label, picking at it. 

“Bullshit, last time he was dying, he told you that he loved you.”

“He told all of us-”

“Shut up, he said ‘I love you’ while looking directly at you. At you, Dean. Not me, not Mom. His eyes never left you as he said it. He specified you, and then said it to all of us. If you don’t think that Cas loves the hell out of you, then you’re dumber than I ever imagined. You’re not stupid Dean, stop acting like an insecure teenage girl.” 

“I’m an insecure adult male, there’s a difference.” 

“The difference is, you will get up, you will take this chance, and you’ll do it before it’s too late. Again.” 

Dean nodded and stood abruptly, he picked up the bottle and took too long of a drink before slamming it down and running the back of his hand across his mouth. He turned to walk away before he stopped and looked back at Sam. 

“I’m sorry about Eileen.”

“I’m used to it. Hey, maybe Chuck will take pity on me and bring her back, he did it for you with Cas so many times.” 

“That’s the spirit, Sammy.” Dean half smiled a sad thing before he turned again and walked away with a renewed sense of purpose. Sam smiled, he reached across the table and grabbed the bottle Dean relied on so much and brought it to his lips. The brown liquid was bitter and it burned as it traveled down his throat. The warmth in his chest almost eased the ache and emptiness he felt there. 

He got up and followed Dean. He knew he shouldn’t listen in to such an important conversation, but honestly he just wanted to make sure Dean would actually do it. 

“Dean?” He heard Castiel say through the crack in the door, “Is everything alright?” The man’s voice was heavy with sleep, he was groggy and obviously confused. 

“Everything’s awesome, Cas. I just,” Dean stopped short and Sam could imagine that he was reaching you to take Castiel’s face in his hands. 

“Dean?” His voice was slightly muffled, Sam suppressed a laugh at the idea that Dean had squeezed Cas’s cheeks too much. 

“Sorry, I know this is probably weird, but I just, I wanted you to know how amazing you are. How much I appreciate you, and need you.” Dean sighed as Sam did the same. He hoped his brother would be able to get the words out. 

“Thank you, Dean.” There was a small crack in Castiel’s voice and Sam swallowed the lump in his throat, “I think that you-”

He was cut off, there were no words for a while; until there were. 

“I love you, Cas. And not like a brother, not in the same way I love Sam, or mom. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone the way I love you. And I’ve been an idiot, and I’ve been scared, and angry, and I don’t even know what else. But I just need you to know-”

Dean was cut off this time and Sam smiled in the silence. His brother had finally been able to tell Castiel everything, and Sam liked to think that it was his words that finally pushed him over that threshold. 

“I love you, Dean.” Castiel’s voice was quiet and Sam nodded, taking another swig to calm his swirling thoughts of Eileen, all the what if’s that we’re beginning to plague him. How he had wished that one day he could have said those words to her, how he had been brushing up on his sign language so that they might one day have been able to communicate without words, without reading lips. Without Dean understanding what they were saying. 

He’d wanted everything with her in a way he’d never imagined. And now that hope, that dream was shattered. 

He found his way back to his room and picked up his tablet, the least he could do was research a way to find Mary. Or maybe he’d find a case. Yeah, a case to keep his mind off of things. He took another drink, and let the burn wash away his broken heart.


End file.
